Kind words will not kill you

By Fiona Boyd |  Email This Post

How often do you hear people giving gentle words of encouragement to another and resisting the usual temptation to tell them that what they’re doing or planning to do, is wrong, shouldn’t be done that way, won’t work, etc?

Last week one of the experts who I regularly interview on money matters and how they affect entrepreneurial ventures, Phil Grant from Nexia ASR came in for another video session and after we’d finished the video discussion he mentioned how much he enjoyed one of the other interviewees I talk to and how interesting what they had to say was.

Now it should seem rather strange that this sort of pleasant, encouraging feedback is unusual, but there you have it, most people want to tell you what’s wrong, how you could do things better but rarely, if ever, say – ‘hey, I liked that! That person did a good job, it was really interesting.’

So why are we holding back? Surely you look around you every day and you see things done well and that capture your attention in a good way? I do, and every now and then you get the opportunity to chat with the person who did that good thing, so then what do you do? Over the years I’ve learned that analyzing and telling people that they could do things differently or better is just plain insulting. Given their time and life constraints, most people give their best in what they do within the limitations they operate in, most of the time. So, isn’t it worth giving a few gentle words of encouragement to help keep them on this path of being good at what they do and offer?

Kind words encourage others and create powerful positive effects.

I’ve pondered this issue of why people feel much more free to give negative, undermining feedback to others rather than give encouragement that might make the other party feel good about what they’re doing and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are three things going on here.

1)    Social competitiveness – the need that the other can’t be better than us in any way, and by acknowledging another’s good work or success or impressive results this in some way diminishes our own efforts. I’d like to debunk this one shortly, however I think that many of us constantly and some of us some of the time, operate out of excessive and not useful social competitiveness.

2)    Dominance behaviour – where we like what someone does, it inspires us, but we sure as hell are not going to let that other guy be better than us so we’re going to do everything in our power to dismiss and undermine what it is that we like in them, so that we can maintain our dominant view of ourself in the local pack.

3)    Clingon and projection behaviour – where we’re not feeling particularly good about ourselves or useful in the world, this may be at one of life’s inflection points when we transit out of one life phase and into another – such as adolescence into early adulthood, slipping into late middle age, retiring and then having to order our worlds differently. At these times it is all too common that individuals project godlike qualities onto the person whose work or actions they admire and then somehow believe, by extension that that person’s role in life is to entertain them, amuse them and make them feel better. It’s another way of not honouring the efforts of the other and our whole celebrity and ‘star’ culture is based on this. Who in their right minds would admire or even give attention to a twenty year old, alcohol and drug addicted performer who dresses like a porn star? And sure there are plenty of adolescents who do just that, and in a way it’s understandable, they’re going through a time of really big physical and emotional changes in themselves so it follows it could be easy to identify with someone who lets all their baggage and damage hang out in public. But this is not healthy behaviour. Talent and creativity is just that and doesn’t by necessity need to be accompanied by massive dysfunction and wastefulness. It is also interesting to see your daughter drop her infatuation with a ‘pop star’ as soon as they’ve cleaned up their act and are no longer indulging in bringing negative attention on themselves. There is no loyalty in this adulation!

Now to encouragement. For much of my professional life before going out into business with David I was given really challenging and difficult projects and change management issues to tackle. For the most part, in my opinion, the outcomes that were wanted were created, sometimes with a bit of pain along the way. But never in my professional life was there ever any feedback that amounted to thanks and encouragement for the difficult work I had tackled and completed. Instead I was usually barraged with the shoulda, oughta, coulda, mustas and all the other ways I could have gone about the tasks completed (usually none of these would have got the results requested, but who ever challenges undermining feedback? My usual response is to decide that this person does not value my contribution and that I will think twice before taking on any more responsibility that goes beyond the norm, for them).

So why do people hold back from encouragement, when it really is the most fabulous tool for enabling others to gain strength and energy and to continue their quest in the area we’ve noticed they are good at? Generally I suspect that is because we can’t let others take the path they need to, and to do it in their own way, and somehow we need to put our stamp on them, and so we give them negative feedback or pick minor and irrelevant holes in what they’re doing. A big person will sit above this and notice that we are nit-picking and being spiteful, however what if the negative feedback we so freely offer came at a particularly bad time for the other and precipitated a cascading series of negative thoughts for them?

We are not really in competition with those around us, we just think we are. If you can step back for just a moment, especially if you are an entrepreneur running a very entrepreneurial venture, you will find that everyone is doing something well and that when you feed back gentle words of encouragement you give a gift of valuing the other. In any setting where your resources are diminished you are almost forced to place a high value on those who work with you, and therefore it is in your interest that the others around you know that you value and appreciate their efforts.

Right now I’d like to honour the person who let me in on the secret of encouragement. Shane Hewitt is an online entrepreneur, musician, arts manager/leader and someone who invested in the Arts Hub venture with David and I at the outset and then gave many hours of his time in coming with us to meetings with venture capitalists and other potential investors. After yet one more round of negativity and nit-picking from those we’d presented to, I bemoaned to Shane how we must be on the wrong track as all the feedback we were getting was so dismissive. His response was that in life, he chose encouragement, these others were choosing something else.

And when you think about it – isn’t it possible for a venture capitalist to say ‘no’ to your presentation and proposal but still give encouragement for the bits they found interesting? Just because they don’t want to invest does not mean the project has no value out in the wider world. They could actually be wrong! The VC world is littered with stories of those who laughed at and pooh-poohed inventors and creators who then went on to make billions with their work.

Shane Hewitt has been encouraging those around him for many, many years and if it was possible to trace and talk to all those he has encouraged over the years, like us, I think we would find that his kind words gave enormous strength and encouragement to these people to continue on with the quest (whatever it was), and to feel good about what they were doing.

Thanks Shane – you’re living proof that kind words freely shared, will not kill you!

Photo: Flickr denise carbonell

Shane Hewitt is founder and co-owner of online and offline niche music retailer Middle Eight Music. He also continues to write songs and you can find out more about him at Shane Hewitt.

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